desperation: the tie that binds.
Who am I to say that people can't "fall in love" without ever having met or seen one another. I guess it happens.
I guess a perfectly desperate middle-aged woman could pay money to sit in front of her computer at home (after sitting in front of her computer all day at work) and "meet" thousands of eligible, likewise desperate middle-aged men and things could turn out perfectly, they could live happily ever after.
More often than not, however, the middle-aged woman (or the man, but I'm not witnessing the plight of the man in this case, I'm stuck watching the she-side of the equation twist and turn through one e-squeeze after another) decides she so desperately deserves to be in love (and not just any type of love, the Meg Ryan flick type of love that involves theme songs and bad poetry recitations) that she will make herself into whatever e-Squeeze-of-the-moment is looking for and shamelessly galavant all over God's green earth with the man hoping that he'll decide she trumps all other virtual-girlfriends and glorified pen pals...
they'll get married...
they'll buy a cottage in the midwest and settle down with a yard full of daiseys
and tulips
and marigolds
and climbing rose bushes
and the children and stepchildren and grandbabies will come visit for the holidays and the e-lovers can regale the family with vivid tales of their keyboard courtship and that first fateful "face-to-face" meeting that involved a 66 Mustang and a 5-day trip down route 66 (plenty of stops at swap meets along the way, of course, and a mind-bogglingly beautiful fireworks show somewhere in Missouri, which, you know, is a really historic town, truly full of civil war history and absolutely brimming with quaint character and any number of other superlatives that make the victimized bystander listening to such descriptions want to swear off of words like "amazing, fantastic and incredible" for the rest of their lives.)
*Pause to catch my breath...*
It's of no consequence that the woman doesn't know a Saturn from a Subaru in any other context...she magically transforms herself into a classic auto enthusiast when the e-Squeeze of her dreams - this month - drags her across the country to a classic car show...all of a sudden she's passionate about Chevrolet...because one can never be too enthusiastic when attempting to come out on top of all of the other desperate middle-aged women he's also emailing...
In fact, she LOVES ALL CARS now. She can tell the difference between a 66, a 67 and a 68 Mustang in the DARK, from a mile away, with one eye shut. And that historic portion of Route 66, the part that's still the original 9-foot-wide road that's cracked and weathered - it was the MOST COMFORTABLE road she's ever travelled over...because that wonderful e-squeeze behind the wheel, across the bench, so close - TOUCHABLE now and organic, not just a voice on the phone...he's better than she ever dreamed. And he'll be HERS. Her son will love him and call him "Uncle" something, her daughter will want him to be in the delivery room when she gives birth to what promises to be the wonder child of the century.
They'll be so happy together.
He'll come back in 6 weeks and they'll bask in the summertime glory of the suburbs - her neck of the woods this time around. They'll eat at the Olive Garden together, they'll take trips to the library together. They'll garden. She'll talk about cars.
Because she loves cars.
I'll be clear about one thing: I have no qualms with internet dating. With services that make money on the optomistic desperation, suicidal desperation, debilitiating social anxiety-driven desperation or curious desperation of people hoping to fall in love. If they want to respond to craigslist personal ads or www.ilovepeoplewithpetturtles.com personal ads, by all means, knock yourself out. Fall in love.
But I hate to see it used as a crutch. Because as anyone who knows someone that's used internet dating for any period of time knows: once you go virtual, you don't go back. Once you've had that first sweet taste of someone with potential - even someone 3150 miles away that sells animal portraits on eBay for cash and lives 20 miles from their nearest neighbor, try to convince that person that it's better to go back to meeting people in person.
Who am I to say which method is "better?" I'm a horrible small-talker, admittedly shy, less than outgoing around new people - a very BAD candidate for traditional "Hi, my name's Biff, you're lookin good tonight baby" hookups and a very GOOD candidate for more cerebral, dialogue-driven, safe-in-the-confines-of-my-bedroom-with-a-glass-of-wine internet dating. I just never caved. I knew it was "what people like me resorted to" when lonely, I knew it was something "I'd probably be good at," and I hated the idea of being so young and so resolved to anonymity...I went MONTHS without so much as a date...I spent solitary evenings reading hand-me-down romance novels and buying shoes and watching "The Notebook" and baking elaborate desserts for...myself.
Still didn't cave. I knew I was too young. Not so much as a draft of a personal ad. Not a second consideration. I didn't want to begin the vicious cycle that never ends...the phone number exchange, the planned trip across the country to meet one another, the fear that I'll meet a bad seed and become a statistic...never once. Didn't even consider it.
What bothers me the most, perhaps, about being subjected to all of this "virtual love" and sunshine and puppies and overuse of the word "incredible" when describing a burger stand in Iowa is the complete disregard being shown for the middle-aged woman's own safety...were her own daughter to parade across the country and even suggest entrusting herself to a man she knows only in written words and pictures, thousands of miles from home, she'd be promptly locked up and declared absolutely batty. But somehow, it's alright for the mom to try the same thing.
And leave her son - currently in court-mandated detention for truancy - behind. All by himself.
I guess a perfectly desperate middle-aged woman could pay money to sit in front of her computer at home (after sitting in front of her computer all day at work) and "meet" thousands of eligible, likewise desperate middle-aged men and things could turn out perfectly, they could live happily ever after.
More often than not, however, the middle-aged woman (or the man, but I'm not witnessing the plight of the man in this case, I'm stuck watching the she-side of the equation twist and turn through one e-squeeze after another) decides she so desperately deserves to be in love (and not just any type of love, the Meg Ryan flick type of love that involves theme songs and bad poetry recitations) that she will make herself into whatever e-Squeeze-of-the-moment is looking for and shamelessly galavant all over God's green earth with the man hoping that he'll decide she trumps all other virtual-girlfriends and glorified pen pals...
they'll get married...
they'll buy a cottage in the midwest and settle down with a yard full of daiseys
and tulips
and marigolds
and climbing rose bushes
and the children and stepchildren and grandbabies will come visit for the holidays and the e-lovers can regale the family with vivid tales of their keyboard courtship and that first fateful "face-to-face" meeting that involved a 66 Mustang and a 5-day trip down route 66 (plenty of stops at swap meets along the way, of course, and a mind-bogglingly beautiful fireworks show somewhere in Missouri, which, you know, is a really historic town, truly full of civil war history and absolutely brimming with quaint character and any number of other superlatives that make the victimized bystander listening to such descriptions want to swear off of words like "amazing, fantastic and incredible" for the rest of their lives.)
*Pause to catch my breath...*
It's of no consequence that the woman doesn't know a Saturn from a Subaru in any other context...she magically transforms herself into a classic auto enthusiast when the e-Squeeze of her dreams - this month - drags her across the country to a classic car show...all of a sudden she's passionate about Chevrolet...because one can never be too enthusiastic when attempting to come out on top of all of the other desperate middle-aged women he's also emailing...
In fact, she LOVES ALL CARS now. She can tell the difference between a 66, a 67 and a 68 Mustang in the DARK, from a mile away, with one eye shut. And that historic portion of Route 66, the part that's still the original 9-foot-wide road that's cracked and weathered - it was the MOST COMFORTABLE road she's ever travelled over...because that wonderful e-squeeze behind the wheel, across the bench, so close - TOUCHABLE now and organic, not just a voice on the phone...he's better than she ever dreamed. And he'll be HERS. Her son will love him and call him "Uncle" something, her daughter will want him to be in the delivery room when she gives birth to what promises to be the wonder child of the century.
They'll be so happy together.
He'll come back in 6 weeks and they'll bask in the summertime glory of the suburbs - her neck of the woods this time around. They'll eat at the Olive Garden together, they'll take trips to the library together. They'll garden. She'll talk about cars.
Because she loves cars.
I'll be clear about one thing: I have no qualms with internet dating. With services that make money on the optomistic desperation, suicidal desperation, debilitiating social anxiety-driven desperation or curious desperation of people hoping to fall in love. If they want to respond to craigslist personal ads or www.ilovepeoplewithpetturtles.com personal ads, by all means, knock yourself out. Fall in love.
But I hate to see it used as a crutch. Because as anyone who knows someone that's used internet dating for any period of time knows: once you go virtual, you don't go back. Once you've had that first sweet taste of someone with potential - even someone 3150 miles away that sells animal portraits on eBay for cash and lives 20 miles from their nearest neighbor, try to convince that person that it's better to go back to meeting people in person.
Who am I to say which method is "better?" I'm a horrible small-talker, admittedly shy, less than outgoing around new people - a very BAD candidate for traditional "Hi, my name's Biff, you're lookin good tonight baby" hookups and a very GOOD candidate for more cerebral, dialogue-driven, safe-in-the-confines-of-my-bedroom-with-a-glass-of-wine internet dating. I just never caved. I knew it was "what people like me resorted to" when lonely, I knew it was something "I'd probably be good at," and I hated the idea of being so young and so resolved to anonymity...I went MONTHS without so much as a date...I spent solitary evenings reading hand-me-down romance novels and buying shoes and watching "The Notebook" and baking elaborate desserts for...myself.
Still didn't cave. I knew I was too young. Not so much as a draft of a personal ad. Not a second consideration. I didn't want to begin the vicious cycle that never ends...the phone number exchange, the planned trip across the country to meet one another, the fear that I'll meet a bad seed and become a statistic...never once. Didn't even consider it.
What bothers me the most, perhaps, about being subjected to all of this "virtual love" and sunshine and puppies and overuse of the word "incredible" when describing a burger stand in Iowa is the complete disregard being shown for the middle-aged woman's own safety...were her own daughter to parade across the country and even suggest entrusting herself to a man she knows only in written words and pictures, thousands of miles from home, she'd be promptly locked up and declared absolutely batty. But somehow, it's alright for the mom to try the same thing.
And leave her son - currently in court-mandated detention for truancy - behind. All by himself.
posted by heatheradair at 10:26 PM
12 Comments:
Damn, you're long winded...or long fingered? But you're cute. But oh so long fingered.
while in general, i agree - i need to add two flip sides to this.
B is a freind of mine who was unlucky with the ladies. 7 years ago, living alone in nyc, he turned to trueharmonymatchcrazy.com or whatever it is. he ended up marrying the girl. they now have a baby.
R is a friend of mine very unlucky with the lads who went on so many bad and comical dates via jdate that i should have started a blog on it. but, she seems to have found happiness with the last one. or at least this one isn't a psychodic pedifile et al.
i am one to meet them in person and would never resort to online. but hey, each their own,right?
You sure do have a love of cars.... Maybe close to my love of them. You painted a beautiful picture of driving Route 66.
I have the 67 Mustang covered but maybe we would have to settle for Hwy 2?
Young people do the internet dating here in Vancity. I swear half of Yaletown is on it! Even some of my friends... with mixed results.
As to falling in love without seeing each other... I just can't see it. But that's just my humble opinion.
It's less the e-dating that drives me nuts as the normally rational people willing to jeopardize their safety and abandon their children to pursue the next "maybe."
I know it seems poetic to email sweet nothings and whip one another into a virtual frenzy with this glorified idea that when you finally meet the sky will open up and angels will appear and there will be violins and flowers and never-ending, unadulturated bliss, BUT watching a mother leave her clearly troubled (and court-admonished) son behind while pretending to be someone she isn't and pretending to enjoy things that she doesn't all in the name of "maybe he'll be better than the last" seems - at the very least - naively irresponsibly, and I just wonder if the same person would be equally irresponsible if they'd met the Mr Maybe in a grocery store, or at the Starbucks...
I don't think e-dating is so crazy, it works for a lot of people. I think the situation you describe is irresponsibility that goes beyond e-dating. A realy responsible person wouldn't suddenly become IRresponsible just because they met the dater online instead of in-person. Edating may give you more opportunities to exercise irresponsibility, but it won't actually MAKE a responsible person irresponsible.
Say for example she met the out-of-town guy while he was a tourist in town for the week? She could just as easily have left town to see him.
I think the fact that it's a paid service is what sets this particular method apart...
I think if crazy-middle-aged-single-mom met an out-of-towner (even an international out-of-towner) in line at the coffee shop, the difference is the sense that you MUST make a return on your investment - you meet someone, maybe you like them, maybe he's a creep, maybe you'll sit down and have a sandwich together sometime, but you're not out any kind of annual fee. Particularly the pay-for-an-entire-year-of-prospects-up-front types there's a sense of urgency - the need to turn your cash into love - fast, before you have to pay for another year!
AND, there's an element of suspended reality associated with eDating that I see sparking normally "moderately responsible" people toward ridiculously unsafe behavior because they've been romanced by the unknown in a way that meeting someone - or being setup by a friend - in person doesn't inspire.
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Great post. Now send it into Jane magazine or whatever mag has an opinion section with a little spice. I am serious. Start making money on that amusingly articulated opinion.
Let's chalk up the middle-aged woman thing (as I am one) as mid-life crisis. If it wouldn't be e-dating it would be something else.
I know too many people who have met the loves of their lives via e-dating. But, it's so damned time consuming...and there is no telling chemistry via the internet. Unfortunately, in MPLS, I swear every damned single person between 20 and 60 is on match.com.
Great post.
TMB - Thank you - that's just the kind of mindful nudge I need to get me thinking in the right direction - I checked out both of the sites you suggested a few days ago - if nothing else, it's definitely helped me start brainstorming in ways I hadn't before - really, truly appreciated.
Interesting website with a lot of resources and detailed explanations.
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I will admit that I am one of those absolutely idiotic people who met someone online. It was 1996 and right before AOL went to unlimited hours (remember when you only got 30?).
He lived in Michigan, flew out to Seattle to meet me and it was fine to begin with.
By the time his visit was over, I was MORE than ready for him to go. He was a bit immature (but he was really great in the sack).
Unfortunately, he was a bit too great. Nine months later I have something to remember him by.
We tried to make things work and I moved to Michigan. We broke up less than a year later, but now, 8 years after that, I am still having to deal with his immature, self-centered ass.
Me and internet dating? NEVER AGAIN!!!!!
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